Kingdom Bedding Comforter
Kingdom Bedding Comforter
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I hate to be one of those people, but will you read the beginning of my novel and comment please?
Comment exactly how you feel, I want real answers.
Title suggestions also appreciated. Working title is "The Ivory Tower"
In the beginning, there was darkness. And the darkness was calm, as was all around it and all in it, and it was good. And as the titanic polar bear crept quietly through the window, there was nothing to suggest that he might disturb the intricate peace settled over the entire land. Yet as he hesitantly extended his furry paw to touch the young girl nestled comfortably under the comforter on the bed, the stunning child in the white nightgown screamed, her golden curls flying as she shook from fear. He withdrew his paw, but to no avail. The calm and peace stretched over the kingdom was no longer.
If you're going to tell me to watch grammar, please point out mistakes... thank you.
Hmmm...
Well, it's a good hook. Except that it seems a little bible-ish (is that on purpose?) and unoriginal.
Using the word 'titanic' with the words 'polar bear' is a bit of a throw-off. Maybe you could use something like 'enormous'. Not half as original, but it flows better.
You also seem to overdo it on the adjectives, and it makes it hard to understand fully what you're trying to express. Try using more, shorter sentences, or more sentence structure changes--like semicolons or dashes.
Especially think of editing this sentence:
"Yet as he hesitantly extended his furry paw to touch the young girl nestled comfortable under her comforter on the bed, the stunning child in the white nightgown screamed, her golden curls flying as she shook from fear."
That's a LOT of information to try to get across in one sentence. Also, the transition from "nestled comfortably" to "screaming in fear" is unclear. Did she wake up? Was she awake the whole time and just now saw him? What happened??? If you want to describe the girl better, separate his action and his looking at her. As he looks, you can describe her.
I hope this helps!!! Sounds catchy!!! I'd love to e-mail about it, so if you have any more questions you can contact me at nikiangeleyes@yahoo.com